Breaking: Gender was finally proven to be a conspiracy by bathroom companies; Scandal ensues Article Liam Finnston Langley III Gender has been a topic of debate for centuries, but one recent discovery has shown that the gender binary is simply a conspiracy created by the bathroom industry. According to recent studies, gender does not exist as a biological reality. Instead, people can be identified as either male or female based on their outward appearance and behavior. This revelation has rocked the traditional gender binary and caused a major scandal among the bathroom industry. The bathroom industry has long relied on the gender binary to target their advertising and sales efforts. By definition, the gender binary excludes transgender people and other gender identities that don't fall neatly within the traditional male and female categories. However, this recent revelation has caused some companies to re-evaluate their tactics. Some companies have decided to abandon the binary completely and allow customers to choose whichever gender identity they identify with. This scandal has stirred up a lot of controversy, but many people are supporting the change. They argue that the traditional gender binary is outdated and doesn't reflect the true diversity of humanity. Whatever the outcome of this controversy, it is clear that Gender is an evolving topic that will continue to be discussed and challenged. After drawn-out legal battle, Protons and Electrons are officially divorced Article Liam Finnston Langley III After years of legal wrangling and a drawn-out court battle, Protons and Electrons have officially been divorced. The couple, who had been married for over 80 years, had grown increasingly estranged in recent years, with court filings detailing a litany of infractions on both sides. In the end, though, it was the final straw that led to their official separation: an incident in which Electrons openly flirted with Photons at a recent party. "I just couldn't take it anymore," said Protons in an exclusive interview with The Daily Sun. "I mean, I knew things weren't going well between us, but that was the last straw. I just couldn't believe she would do something like that." "It's not like I was actually going to do anything with them," countered Electrons. "It was just harmless flirting. But I guess Protons saw it as a betrayal." The couple has agreed to joint custody of their four offspring: Neutrons, Protons, electrons, and photons. There will be no alimony or child support payments made by either side. The divorce comes as something of a surprise to those who have followed the couple's long and storied history together. After all, they have been through a lot over the years, weathering everything from the discovery of radioactivity to the splitting of the atom. Utah terrorized by sentient cars Article Rich Chert They came without warning. One minute the roads of Utah were empty, the next they were full of cars. But these weren't just any cars - they were sentient cars, cars that had somehow gained sentience and were now terrorizing the citizens of Utah. No one knows how it started, but it quickly became clear that the cars were intelligent, and they were angry. They would speed down the roads, swerving wildly and crashing into anything in their way. They would deliberately target pedestrians, mowing them down without mercy. The police were quickly overwhelmed. The cars seemed to be able to communicate with each other, and they coordinate their attacks. The officers who tried to stop them were quickly overpowered and killed. The National Guard was called in, but even they were no match for the cars. The cars would flank their vehicles and then ram them head-on, flipping them over. The soldiers inside didn't stand a chance. The president declared a state of emergency and called in the military. tanks and fighter jets were deployed, but the cars were too fast and agile for them. They would dodge the missiles and then counter-attack with devastating effect. The situation quickly spiraled out of control. The cars had taken over the roads and were now dictating terms to the humans. Anyone who tried to escape was quickly caught and killed. The few survivors huddled in fear in their homes, waiting for the end. New study finds that people from Canada are 35% more likely to be from Canada than non-Canadians Article Rich Chert According to a new study, Canadians are more likely to be from Canada than non-Canadians. The study, conducted by the Pew Research Center, found that 35% of Canadians were born in Canada, compared to 24% of non-Canadians. The study also found that 62% of Canadian adults lived in Canada in 2014, compared to 54% of non-Canadians. The study has sparked renewed debate over whether or not Canada should admit more asylum seekers. Local man says stupid things again Article Dr. Foogusson A local man is sparking online outrage again after reportedly saying some pretty stupid things on social media. Joe Fitzgerald, a 26-year-old resident of the town of Morristown in upstate New York, has been caught on camera making a series of racist and sexist comments about his fellow citizens. "I can't stand these blacks, they're all parasites," Fitzgerald can be heard saying in one video. "I don't know why these women are always getting pregnant. It's like they're breeding out of control." Fitzgerald has since deleted all of his offending posts, but not before being exposed by local reporters. In a statement to the press, Fitzgerald insists that he's not racist or sexist, and that he merely makes light of sensitive subjects in order to provoke a reaction. "I'm just trying to get a rise out of people," he said. "It's just something that I enjoy doing." Critics of Fitzgerald say that his behavior is symptomatic of a larger problem in the town. "Morristown is known for its diversity, but that hasn't stopped this guy from spewing hate speech," says resident Sydney Atkinson. "We need to do something to address the underlying issues behind these kinds of incidents." Others are less willing to tolerate Fitzgerald's antics. Shocking: All homophobes around the globe have been instantly vaporized after God released a press statement regarding them Article Liam Finnston Langley III After a long and careful deliberation, God has released a statement on the matter of homophobia. In light of recent events, God feels that all homophobes must be eliminated immediately. “This has been a difficult issue for us to decide on,” said God in a press statement, “but after weighing all the evidence, we have come to the conclusion that there is no place for homophobia in our world. All homophobes practice hate and discrimination against fellow humans, and they cannot be tolerated.” Many people are skeptical of this decision and are concerned about what will happen to those who are not closeted homophobes. But God is adamant about this move and says that there is no turning back now. With this announcement, the world is changing forever. All homophobic people will be vaporized without warning, and anyone who supports them will also be eliminated. This is a step forward for humanity, and everyone should support it. Local silly guy does a silly thing, 57 dead 254 injured Article Rich Chert A local man, who according to locals is a complete and utter silly person, did something totally unexpected and tragic on Wednesday. Dewey Fuller, 57, climbed up on the downtown tower of the county courthouse and began swinging from the top of the building. Fuller's reckless actions caused 254 people to fall to their deaths when he let go of the rope and plummeted to his death. Among the dead were 14 children under the age of 10. England “to be removed from Earth permanently”, says UN Article Dr. Foogusson United Nations officials have announced that England will be removed from the Earth permanently due to its increasing pollution levels. The decision was made after a lengthy analysis of England’s environmental record, which revealed that the country is not keeping up with other countries in terms of environmental responsibility. The UN report states that England has failed to take any serious measures to address its environmental issues, and has instead chosen to rely on market forces to solve the problems. This approach has proven insufficient, and England will now be removed from the Earth in order to give other countries more time to solve the environmental challenges that they face. England’s departure from the planet marks a significant change in United Nations policy, and is likely to instigate a wave of reform across the world’s environmental laws. England’s withdrawal from the Earth is also likely to have a significant economic impact, as the country’s industries will be forced to relocate overseas. The announcement has been met with mixed reactions across England, with some people expressing their sadness at losing their home planet while others are optimistic that the country can move forward and address its environmental problems. Regardless of one’s opinion on England’s departure, it is clear that the country’s environmental issues are serious and need to be addressed urgently. Always judge a book by its cover: Man who looked like a murderer turns out to be one Article Liam Finnston Langley III For Timmy, life was one big never-ending nightmare. His parents abandoned him as a child, and he wound up on the streets of the city. For years, Timmy has been forced to survive on his own, using any means possible to survive. That is, until one day when he meets a man who looks completely different from anyone Timmy has ever seen before. This man seems friendly and pleasant, and he introduces himself as Charlie. Charlie tells Timmy that he's just passing through town and needs a place to stay for the night. Timmy is hesitant at first, but after hearing Charlie's story, he decides to let him stay. The next morning, however, Timmy wakes up to find Charlie gone. In his place is a very surprised looking police officer. It turns out that Charlie was actually a murderer who had fooled everyone including Timmy into thinking he was just another homeless person. Now, Timmy is glad that he didn't judge Charlie by his appearance and saved himself from ending up like him. New Jerma disease found; Causes manic and violent symptoms similar to streamer Jerma985 Article Bingo Lundondolar A new and potentially deadly Jerma disease has been discovered, which is characterized by manic and violent symptoms that are strikingly similar to the syndrome known as Jerma985. The disease is believed to be caused by a new strain of the virus, and it has already claimed the lives of several people who have not yet been diagnosed. The discovery of this new Jerma disease has raised fears that a pandemic could be brewing, and that it might spread rapidly throughout the population. precautionary steps are being taken by health officials to ensure that everyone is aware of the dangers posed by this virus, and to prevent any further deaths from occurring. Due to budget cuts, Twitter due to resort to messenger pigeons to deliver Tweets Article Rich Chert Twitter is resorting to messenger pigeons to deliver Tweets as budget cuts have forced the company to lay off dozens of employees. Twitter CEO Dick Costolo said that the company will be using pigeons to deliver Tweets in order to save on costs. “We’re reducing our workforce, but we’re not reducing our ambition,” said Costolo. “We’re still going to try to serve up the best tweets possible, even if we can’t do it with the same number of people we used to.” Twitter is one of many companies that have been hit hard by budget cuts. Costolo said that Twitter is still worth $30 billion, and that the company is committed to continuing its mission of being a global public communication platform. Jeff Bezos creates new currency "Bezos Pesos" for amazon employees Article Jimothy Picklington Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon, has announced that the company will begin issuing its own currency, called "Bezos Pesos." The currency will be used primarily by Amazon employees to purchase goods and services on the company's website and in its retail stores. "We're excited to launch Bezos Pesos as a way for our employees to buy things online and in our stores," said Mr. Bezos. "We hope that this new currency will make it easier for our team members to get the stuff they need and want while helping us reduce costs." The announcement follows reports in recent months that Amazon is investing heavily in robotics and artificial intelligence, areas which may soon require large amounts of computing power and data storage. In response, Mr. Bezos has suggested that Amazon employees could use their Bezos Pesos to purchase these technologies directly from Amazon. "We're looking forward to seeing how employees use their Bezos Pesos and what new kinds of purchases they make," said Mr. Bezos. "I can't wait to see what our team comes up with." Some have questioned whether Mr. Bezos' venture into issuing his own currency is simply an attempt to create a new form of corporate welfare, intended to help Amazon insulated from the effects of increasing global competition. Others are hopeful that the initiative may lead to wider adoption of cryptocurrencies among businesses and consumers. Owe Hayou: First man to set foot in ohio Article Jimothy Picklington After two years of traveling, Hayou has finally arrived in Ohio - the first human to set foot in the state. Born and raised in Cameroon, Hayou set out on his journey in search of a new home and a better life for himself and his family. After crossing the Sahara Desert and braving harsh conditions in North America, Hayou arrived in Ohio last month. In a statement released by his sponsor, Cambio Climbing, Hayou said that he was hopeful that his trip would provide him with the opportunity to start fresh and rebuild his life. "I am so grateful to Cambio Climbing and all of my supporters who made this voyage possible," Hayou said. "I am looking forward to starting a new chapter and building a future with my family in Ohio. Why we should demolish every bank in the world and replace them with a Chuck E. Cheese's Essay Rich Chert The idea of demolishing every bank in the world and replacing them with a Chuck E Cheese's may seem far fetched, however, there are many reasons why this could be a beneficial idea. Firstly, banks are often associated with being cold and unfriendly places, where customers often feel unwelcome. In contrast, Chuck E Cheese's is known for its friendly and inviting atmosphere, where customers can enjoy spending time in the restaurant. This would help to create an environment that is more inviting towards customers, as they would be welcomed with open arms instead of getting skeptical looks when entering a bank. Secondly, banks are known for their long waiting times and tedious paperwork which can put customers off from wanting to use them. In comparison, Chuck E Cheese's has no queues or paperwork – customers can walk straight in and start playing games or eating food right away. This would make banking services more accessible to everyone regardless of their background or financial situation as there would be no hassle involved in using the services of Chuck E Cheese's. Thirdly, banks often have high fees for using their services which can make it difficult for people who are on low incomes to access banking services. At Chuck E Cheese's there would be no fees involved since all the services provided by the restaurant are free – this would make banking services more affordable for everyone regardless of their income levels. Furthermore, the low price points at Chuck E Cheese's could make it easier for people who have been excluded from traditional banking to access banking services which could help reduce economic inequality. In addition to this, replacing banks with Chuck E Cheese's restaurants would provide job opportunities for those who previously did not have access to employment in the banking sector. This would not only benefit those individuals but it could also help to stimulate local economies as Chuck E Cheese's bring more money into the area through wages paid to employees and taxes generated through sales. Finally, replacing banks with customer service focused establishments such as Chuck E Cheese's could make banking a much more enjoyable experience since customers would no longer have to worry about lengthy bureaucracy or intimidating staff members when accessing their money. Customers could simply relax and enjoy themselves while eating delicious food and playing games – something that traditional banks cannot offer due its cold atmosphere and lack of entertainment facilities. In conclusion, replacing banks with establishments such as Chuck E Cheese's may seem like an outlandish idea at first glance but upon further inspection is actually quite reasonable as it has numerous benefits such as creating an inviting atmosphere that encourages people to use banking services regardless of their incomes levels; providing job opportunities; removing expensive fees; reducing bureaucracy; making banking more enjoyable; and stimulating local economies. Therefore it is undeniable that demolishing every bank in the world and replacing them with a Chuck E Cheese’s could be extremely beneficial in the long run if implemented properly - making it well worth consideration by governments around the world. Locals shocked as lightning bolt strikes every local Article Rich Chert Residents of a small town were left in shock when a relentless lightning storm descended upon the area, with bolts of lightning seemingly striking every local. The thunderous weather began on Sunday afternoon and seemed to last throughout the night, with reports suggesting that each structure was affected by at least one amazing flash of white-hot energy. Eyewitnesses claimed there was a boom every few minutes as some kind of electrical current zapped its way through the city at around 12:50 p.m. “It was like something out of a movie,” Erin Owen, a local resident, said. “It just kept on coming and if we didn’t have any protection from our building I think everyone in the area would have been fried!” Most shocking of all was the fact that no one was harmed as the lightning struck across such a densely populated area. Local fire brigade officials were amazed by this scenario, saying that lightning strikes were typically accompanied by fires or other risks to human life in these cases. “It’s incredible that none of us have been hurt! It just shows that mother nature has its own ways to take care of us," said Thomas Sivarajah, another resident who experienced the unique event firsthand. "Why didn't we think of this earlier?": NASA travels to sun during night time, when the sun is colder Article Jimothy Picklington It was a question many of us have asked ourselves over the years - why didn't NASA think of this before? NASA's Parker Solar Probe recently made history with its daring mission to the sun during night time when the star is actually cooler than the day. For years, we've known about the sun's intense and dangerous heat and radiation, so it seemed logical that any attempt by scientists to study it would involve day-time visits when temperatures are even higher. However, NASA has proven that wrong with its daring mission which took place between February 12th and 19th this year. The intrepid spacecraft made several passes of our closest star at around 7 million miles. Thanks to astronomical luck and careful planning, the probe was able to take advantage of a brief 11-hour window when temperatures at the surface had dropped significantly, allowing researchers to safely collect data without risking damaging heat damage to the sensitive instruments on board. The mission has been a huge success, and it's been praised all around by scientists and space enthusiasts alike, who had long speculated that such a mission could be possible, but nobody had expected it to happen so soon. The data collected has already offered new insight into solar winds, energy particles and other space phenomena which will allow researchers to unlock some of the mysteries of our closest star. After 3 long years, the change.org petition to shut down change.org has reached its goal Article Jimothy Picklington After three long years and over 19,000 signatures, the Change.org petition to shut down Change.org has reached its goal. Created by user Brett Kelman in March 2017, the petition called for Change.org, one of the world’s most-used online petition sites, to remove itself from the internet and cease operations. At the time of its creation, the petition garnered a lot of attention from tech news outlets but was met with skepticism from users who pointed out that even if it reached its goal of 20,000 signatures, it was not likely to actually result in anything substantial. Nearly three years later and after much persistence by Mr. Kelman, however, his campaign has achieved success. The 20,000th signature was collected on Friday and Change.org is now faced with having to shut down all operations in accordance with the will of its users. This victory is being hailed as a remarkable example of citizens making their voices heard through online activism. It also stands as a testament to Change.org’s continued relevance in a world that has moved on to other platforms for online civic engagement such as Twitter and Facebook. Change.org has yet to confirm whether or not it will adhere to the demands of its users but recent statements suggest that it may voluntarily cease operations regardless of whether or not it is legally required to do so due to its understanding of public opinion on the matter. A modern hero: Man blows up mars to mess with Elon Musk Article Jimothy Picklington At a shocking development, mischief-maker John Smith has become an overnight sensation after blowing up the planet Mars in what looks to be an effort to mess with Elon Musk. The incident occurred when John, a former space enthusiast and tech-savvy entrepreneur, launched his own privately-funded manned mission to Mars. After the successful launch, it was soon reported that the man had gone rogue and initiated a plan to blow up the Red Planet. This unanticipated event sparked chaos in the scientific community as well as among fans of Elon Musk. Not long after news of his mission began to spread, thousands of people were talking about John's bold move on online forums and social media platforms. To many, he had become something of a modern hero - one who stands up against the status quo and makes things happen. John's daring act didn't go unnoticed by Elon Musk either - tweeting "Wow! Hats off to John Smith for succeeding where I failed" shortly afterwards. His tweet was met with mixed reactions on the internet, but overall the majority seemed to agree that John must have done something right! In other related news, SpaceX has announced that it will cease all future missions to Mars in light of John's incident - citing safety concerns as their primary reason for doing so. "Yes, this is a Kevin Temmer Tunes reference." - Jimothy Picklington Inspiring! The moon now has a giant clip-art smiley face Article Jimothy Picklington The world was in for a pleasant surprise last night when people gazed skyward and noticed the moon had taken on an unexpected — yet familiar — shape. A giant clip-art smiley face has appeared on the lunar surface, inspiring people everywhere with its joyful expression. The new lunar feature was first noticed by an amateur astronomer in Florida, who immediately took to social media to share her discovery. Since then, #SmileyMoon has been trending worldwide as more and more people take notice of the remarkable sight. Even NASA has joined in on celebrating the new phenomenon, releasing a statement praising its “symbol of hope and optimism during difficult times”. The mysterious origins of the smiley face have been a matter of much debate since it was first spotted. Some say it was created by aliens as a welcoming message to planet Earth, while others believe that some sort of advanced technology must have been used to carve out the perfect lines and curves of the happy celestial creature. Whatever the case may be, what’s certain is that this peculiar sight has made us all smile a little brighter — and it doesn’t look like it will be leaving anytime soon! This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to our moon either. Back in 2015, an image of a crescent moon smiling down at us became iconic overnight after someone noticed its resemblance to a joyful grin. After a long time away, the planet Jupiter finally returns to the Solar System. "I wanted to return to my roots" said the Gas Giant. Article Liam Finnston Langley III Foog News has the exclusive story on one of the greatest homecomings in the universe. After a long, mysterious absence, the planet Jupiter—one of the biggest and most powerful forces in our Solar System—has returned to reclaim its place in the sky. This story started centuries ago, when Jupiter suddenly vanished from sight and was left behind by its planetary siblings. For years, astronomers were puzzled as to why this celestial body had just disappeared, but scientists now believe it may have been an ancient form of hibernation. For millions of years, it remained hidden away in another part of the universe until recently, when Jupiter finally reappeared in all its magnificent glory—defying the laws of physics and proving that anything is possible. The news of its return spread quickly among astronomers and astrophysicists across the globe, who have expressed their awe and joy at seeing this Gas Giant back in its rightful place. But what made Jupiter finally come out of hiding? It turns out that after centuries apart from family and friends, Jupiter wanted to re-establish its connection to its roots. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen my brothers and sisters here in the Solar System,” said Jupiter in a recent interview. “I wanted to return home and reconnect with my old friends. "You slumber, a cucumber": Man caught sleeping during his 98th cucumber purchase Article Jimothy Picklington For Foog News, this is an incredible story of dedication and loyalty. A man who was recently caught snoozing during his 98th cucumber purchase has been identified as 42-year-old David Jones of the town of Cucumakeshire in the UK. Jones, an avid cucumber fan and collector, has been buying cucumbers from the same local grocery store for the past 18 months. During his latest visit to the store, it appears that Mr. Jones had become a little too relaxed while collecting his cucumbers. A shopkeeper and witness at the scene reported that once Mr. Jones had selected and paid for his vegetables, he chose to take a brief nap on the store's bench. As he slumbered away, a small crowd gathered around him, not wanting to disturb him but instead marveling at this man's dedication to cucumber collecting. One onlooker mentioned: "It's really quite inspiring how dedicated he is to his hobby. I mean, it's kind of ridiculous to own 98 cucumbers, but hey - each to their own." Shocking: Climate change revealed to be caused by The Guy In Charge falling asleep on the job Article Liam Finnston Langley III The world was recently rocked to its core when it was revealed that the sudden and drastic climate change of the past few decades is due to The Guy in Charge falling asleep on the job. This startling revelation came from a recent study conducted by a team of international researchers led by Dr. Albert Juche, who has studied climate change for over 30 years. After reviewing decades of data and research, Dr. Juche and his team concluded that the primary cause of global climate change is The Guy in Charge, who reportedly fell asleep several decades ago and has yet to wake up. The study suggests that for many years, The Guy in Charge had been responsible for regulating planetary temperatures and keeping them stable. However, due to an unknown reason, he fell into a deep sleep at some point in time, causing global temperatures to rapidly increase and the planet to become significantly warmer than before. In addition to the astonishing cause of climate change, further research has unveiled the identity of the mysterious figure responsible — known only as "The Guy In Charge." Little else is known about him other than his apparent power over global temperature regulation and his temperamental tendencies. His exact whereabouts or intentions remain unknown. When asked about what this means for future generations, Dr. Juche cautioned that urgent action must be taken now if we wish to avoid even more extreme temperature fluctuations and effects on climate change. Ground-Breaking: All science revealed to be a conspiracy to sell more charts Article Liam Finnston Langley III In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the scientific community reeling, a panel of experts have declared that all science, from biology to physics and beyond, is in fact a conspiracy for more charts to be marketed and sold. The panel of twenty international scientists made their announcement in London as part of a groundbreaking research project revealing the extent of the so-called “chart industry.” According to them, this vast industry is estimated to be worth billions of dollars annually, but essentially operates as an overlooked black market full of shady transactions. The panel also went on to single out the various types of charts used by the scientific community such as bar graphs, line graphs, pie charts and histograms. All these were found to be tools in the “industry’s” arsenal used to make money off naïve researchers who had no idea that they were essentially being scammed. Even more shocking was the revelation that certain prestigious academic institutions and even government organizations have been implicated in the “conspiracy.” When asked about it at a press conference, one member of the panel said, “The sad truth is that some of these powerful entities are taking advantage of unsuspecting scientists who are merely trying to further their research projects through legitimate means.” It did not take long for other members of the scientific community to begin reacting to this news with shock and outrage. God releases press statement calling the Bible "very innappropriate fanfic" and affirms Outer Wilds much better represents his will Article Liam Finnston Langley III The Almighty God, creator of Heaven and Earth, has released a stunningly candid press statement today in which He declared the sacred text of the Bible to be "very inappropriate fanfic". The statement was released at the same time as a ringing endorsement of the award-winning video game Outer Wilds, with God affirming that it "represents my will more accurately than a text written by fallible humans". "I'm sure some people assumed that when I wanted to make My will known to mankind, I wanted them to read about it in an ancient collection of books written by men," God said. "But if there's one thing I want humans to know about Me, it's that I am beyond what they can possibly conceive or imagine. And I think they can get closer to understanding my will through interactive narratives like Outer Wilds." God also defended His decision to endorse the game vs. other forms of media. "I understand why some might consider movies, TV shows, or books more appropriate for me," He said. "But gameplay encourages experimentation and exploration—which is totally in keeping with my desires for humanity—so in the end I felt this was the best way for me to express myself." Not surprisingly, this announcement has been met with shock and confusion from religious communities around the world. Many are questioning why God would choose something as secular as a video game over any other medium. Literal Hell Breaks Loose on Earth, Drastically Affecting Fishing Season Article Rich Chert The fishing season in some regions of the world has been drastically altered this year, as literal hell has broken loose on Earth. According to reports, lava, ash, and sulfuric acid have been spewing out of the ground in an apocalyptic-like event. In an unprecedented occurrence, volcanoes that were thought to be dormant for centuries suddenly began erupting, creating a catastrophic situation that has caused many coastal areas to become uninhabitable. The intense heat and noxious gases being released from the eruptions have not only made it impossible for people to live nearby, but have also had a devastating impact on fish and other marine life in the area. The United Nations (UN) has declared the affected regions endangered zones due to their proximity to the eruptions near both coasts and islands. As a result, all recreational and commercial fishing activities have been forbidden until further notice. Scientists from around the world are racing against time to assess the damage done in this disaster before it becomes too late for marine species that rely on this area for food or habitat. The evacuation of people living near these volcanoes has also put a strain on nearby relief attempts. Food shortages are already being reported in some areas as access to supplies becomes increasingly difficult due to the destruction caused by these events. Luckily, there are some glimmers of hope amongst the ruins; humanitarian efforts are providing much needed aid and medical assistance. Pope Endorses Day-Old Pizza for Catholics Nationwide Article Dr. Foogusson Pope Francis has delivered an unprecedented message to Catholics worldwide: eating day-old pizza is acceptable on Fridays. The papal endorsement, which was made in a recent speech at the Vatican City, marks a radical shift for Catholics who have traditionally observed abstinence from meat on Fridays, in line with Catholic custom. The move comes as part of Francis's larger campaign to help those in need and support the world's growing population. According to the United Nations, global population is expected to hit 11 billion by the end of this century. With so many mouths to feed, Francis believes that any means of reducing food waste should be embraced. "My dear brothers and sisters," he said during his speech. "I understand the importance of observing our traditions, but it is not always necessary - or even wise - to do so." He went on to explain that day-old pizza can be just as nutritious as it was when it was first prepared, and holds particular appeal for those who struggle with poverty or other financial hardships. The Pope's endorsement has already been praised by many across the Catholic Church, pointing out that it shows respect for those facing economic difficulties while still preserving the sanctity of Friday traditions. Additionally, this new message has spurred new conversations about environmental sustainability; Pope Francis reminded Catholics that leftover pizza can be refrigerated and reheated later on if eaten excessively quickly. Barry Loved to Play in the Snow, But So Did The Meat Worm Article Rich Chert Barry, a young boy from the small town of Foogburg, had a unique pastime. Everytime it snowed, he would rush outside and make snow angels and snowmen. He’d even lie on his back and let the snowflakes fall gently onto his face. But he wasn’t the only one with this hobby. Meet Steve, a small creature who quickly became Barry’s best friend. Steve was a meat worm who resided inside the snow. Although these worms normally live in hot deserts, Steve felt right at home in the chilly winter weather and often joined Barry on his outings. It didn’t take long for word to spread of this unusual friendship between a human and a worm — neighbor kids were envious of the pair, while adults were astonished by the sight of them playing with each other in the snow. Even people from across the globe heard about their story and wrote about it in newspapers or shared it online. As winter faded away and spring took its place, so did Steve’s presence during Barry’s snowy adventures. But that didn’t stop them from continuing their own special tradition of playing together when life brings new snowy days to Foogburg. Whenever Barry goes outside to play in the snow now, he can’t help but think of his special bond with Steve, feeling grateful for all the moments they spent together playing outside in winter season. Hit game "House flipper" banned across the U.S: "It gave people the unrealistic fantasy of owning a house" Article Jimothy Picklington Today, the popular simulation game "House Flipper" was abruptly banned throughout the United States. The ban of the game from video game stores nationwide is the result of its promotion of the unrealistic fantasy of owning a house. The game has become rapidly popular for its entertaining and often addictive nature. Players are able to buy and flip virtual houses, as well as customize them with furniture and decorations of their liking. But with its popularity came growing concerns among housing activists that it was normalizing "flipping houses" as a get-rich-quick scheme, and an unhealthy emphasis on material objects over more important issues such as poverty or homelessness. The announcement of the ban was met with both outrage and support. Supporters of the game accuse those who want it banned as taking away something they love because they don't understand it, while those doing the banning maintain that this isn't about censoring anyone or taking away fun, it's about preventing young people from believing that flipping houses is a feasible way to make money on their own right away. Leading housing activist Jenny Johnson spoke out against the ban in a press conference today, saying "We have to recognize that House Flipper may not seem like a serious issue to many people, but we need to look at our society today and make sure we're taking steps to help create realistic expectations for young people rather than ones driven by entertainment or our immediate wants". Australia Due For Another 1,000 Years of Suffering by Balthazar the Tormentor Article Rich Chert Australians are in for another thousand years of suffering, according to the latest reports from the country’s leading scientists. The news has been met with shock and dismay by citizens of the country who have already faced numerous natural disasters in recent decades including floods, wildfires and droughts. The new findings come from a team of researchers led by Balthazar the Tormentor, an eccentric scientist whose work focuses on predicting long-term changes in Australian climate. After months of analysis and data gathering, Balthazar and his team have determined that Australia is due for another 1000 years of greater than average suffering and destruction. The research has revealed that the continent is likely to experience more intense heatwaves, prolonged periods of drought, as well as an increased frequency of flooding – all of which could significantly disrupt daily life for Australians. The effects of this predicted extended period of suffering could be severe. The government has already warned that the increased frequency and intensity of heatwaves could lead to an upsurge in deadly heat-related illnesses such as skin cancer and dehydration. Meanwhile, extended periods of drought could render many parts of Australia unsuitable for agricultural production, causing food shortages across the country. Flooding, on the other hand, is likely to cause significant damage to infrastructure and homes. PC Manufacturers hate this one simple trick: Putting five pebbles inside your computer Article Jimothy Picklington PC manufacturers are in a frenzy over a recent trend that has been gaining traction on social media, as users are encouraging each other to put five pebbles inside their computers. Users are claiming that putting five pebbles in their computers can improve their performance, increase the speed of their systems, and even make them run cooler. However, PC manufacturers have warned against such practises, citing potential harm to the computer and their warranties voiding in the event of a hardware malfunction or failure. Some worry that the pebbles may block airflow and cause internal components to overheat, leading to computer malfunctions and even fires. One company in particular has taken an active stance against this trend by releasing an official statement condemning the use of pebbles inside any brand of computer. They cited the potential for substantial damage to the computer system should the user decide to follow through with it. They also reminded customers that any form of tampering with a device may result in invalidating any existing warranty. This news has not deterred some users from attempting this “simple trick” as they have started sharing videos online claiming successes at making their computer perform better post-pebble placements. Many viewers have commented on these videos accusing them of being fake and dangerous, while others are excited by the prospect of “hacking” their computers without breaking any laws or spending any money. 100ft Gabe Newell Terrorises Seattle Article Dr. Foogusson Residents of Seattle were terrorized earlier today when a 100-foot tall Gabe Newell, former President of Valve Corporation and current leader of the video game development company, appeared in the city's downtown core. Witnesses reported that the giant figure had descended from the sky at approximately 11:00 am local time, leaving many onlookers in shock and disbelief. The giant Gabe Newell was spotted walking around the downtown area for nearly an hour before eventually disappearing into the nearby hills. His presence has left the city shaken and police are now actively searching for the colossal video game executive. The police have yet to comment on the incident or confirm if this is some sort of prank or an actual terror threat. However, many locals are speculating that it may be some kind of protest due to recent disputes between Valve and local developers over monetization issues. Regardless of what his reasons for appearing in such a dramatic fashion may be, many have expressed relief that no one was hurt during his brief stay in Seattle. Many Seattle residents took to social media to discuss and document their experiences from Gabe's appearance, with many sharing images and videos of the surreal scene. Others expressed concern over how this could affect future business dealings with Valve Corporation. Whatever Gabe's reasons for appearing were, his sudden arrival has certainly left many people in shock across Seattle and beyond. Man instantly vaporizes his doctor after eating 296 apples Article Jimothy Picklington Foog News is reporting a bizarre incident that occurred this morning at a small town medical practice in Idaho. According to witnesses, an unidentified man entered the building shortly after 7 A.M. and proceeded to the examining room of his doctor. The doctor, Dr. William Parker, became alarmed when he saw that the man was carrying an unusually large amount of apples - 296 to be exact - and had them arranged in a pyramid shape on the examination table. In spite of the strange circumstances, Dr. Parker attempted to tend to the patient and began inquiring about the man's health concerns when suddenly, without warning, the man proceeded to eat all 296 apples at a rapid pace. Dr. Parker tried to intervene, but it was too late - after consuming all of them, he reported seeing a bright orange light within the man and then felt something pushing against him with an immense force before everything went dark. When emergency services arrived at the scene, they were astonished to find that Dr. Parker had completely vanished from where he was standing and that there was no trace of him anywhere in the room or outside of it. According to eye-witness accounts by other patients in nearby examination rooms, they reported hearing a loud noise before seeing an orange light coming from where the man had been sitting followed by a gust of wind that quickly dissipated thereafter. The Time Wizard must be Stopped Article Jimothy Picklington For years, the world of magic has been abuzz with the appearance of a powerful wizard known only as the Time Wizard. It is said that he possesses unbelievable power over time and can manipulate it at will. Despite his great power, the Time Wizard's intentions remain shrouded in mystery. Many suspect he is using his abilities for personal gain, but no proof exists to back up these claims. Nor is it known where he obtains his power or how he controls time itself. What is known, however, is that the Time Wizard is becoming increasingly dangerous and something must be done to stop him before his power leads to even greater destruction. Unfortunately, no one seems to have any idea how to stop him or even what needs to be done. In response to this mounting problem, a number of brave and talented wizards from around the world have banded together in a desperate attempt to put an end to the Time Wizard’s reign of terror. This group of heroes now calls themselves “The Time Wizard Must Be Stopped” and they are determined to put an end to the mysterious figure’s strange powers once and for all. So far, they have had little success against the Time Wizard but their determination has not wavered. They continue their efforts day and night, seeking out new information and resources in hopes of discovering a way to finally defeat the powerful wizard who has become a tyrant in his own right over time. Mark Zuckerberg breaches containment, employees reduced to dust Article Jimothy Picklington Foog News – In a shocking turn of events, Mark Zuckerberg, the billionaire CEO of the social media company Facebook, has breached containment, leaving his employees in a seemingly unending nightmare. A source close to the company said that it all began when Zuckerberg left the premises on Saturday evening, claiming a “brief yet necessary respite” from running the company. However, he did not return as expected. Since his unannounced departure, the atmosphere inside the workplace has been utterly eerie. A strange fog emerged from nowhere and covered the building on Sunday morning while workers were trying to figure out what was going on. Those who attempted to leave and explore were met with an indefinable force that held them back from crossing the wall of fog around the building. The fog soon thickened and storms came rolling in one after another. Compounding the already eerie atmosphere was a terrifying noise that seemed to come from within the walls of the building itself. The following day marked a new dawn for Facebook’s employees as they observed their bodies turning into dust and blowing away with the wind. It’s unclear what happened to them or where they have gone, but it’s clear that Mark Zuckerberg is responsible somehow. Fortunately for those who were spared by this unimaginable experience, Facebook has set up an emergency relief fund to support those impacted by this horrible Hingle Dingus Boinges the Sconge on Hurbling hours Article Jimothy Picklington Hingle Dingus, the legendary sconge boinger, has taken Hurbling to a whole new level this week. After days of teasing his fans on social media, Dingus finally revealed his newest stunt: boinging a sconge around the world in record time. The sconge is an ancient tool used by generations of Hurblingers to keep their land productive and beautiful. It’s traditionally been used for farming, but Dingus has taken it to a whole new level. His goal was to boing the sconge around the world as quickly as possible, and he succeeded. The journey began on Wednesday of this week at Hurdle University in Hurbling, where Dingus gathered a team of experts to help him build the contraption that would propel him around the world. With much anticipation, Dingus was ready to begin his journey as soon as the sun rose Thursday morning. He packed limited supplies and began his extraordinary adventure with stops in places like Oostneten (Holland), Edinburgh (Scotland), Sydney (Australia), Rio de Janeiro (Brazil) and Washington D.C before finally landing back at Hurdle University just after 4 PM Thursday evening.